Happy Valentine's Day
by Sai du Chickens
Summary: Originally written as a Valentine's Day gift to my sick friends on LiveJournal. Remus is unable to find the perfect Valentine's gift for Sirius, until some unexpected help shows up. Tons of slash and all kinds of sick twisted perverseness, and much fun.


"I hate this holiday," Remus muttered. He was sitting in the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place, drinking his sixth cup of hot chocolate. He didn't even want to see what time it was, but it had to be nearly two AM. And upstairs, Sirius was snoozing away blissfully.  
  
Damn Sirius. He'd been going on for a week about what a great gift he'd gotten his precious Moony, while his precious Moony had been ripping his hair out trying to come up with something that might match what he'd be getting. And now here he was, just a few hours from sunrise on Valentine's Day, and still he had nothing.  
  
"Ye Gods, what am I going to do?" He drained his mug and started for another when he heard a knock at the door. Who would be here at this hour? And more importantly, who was interrupting his brainstorming? He made his way wearily to the door and opened it.  
  
There was nobody there.  
  
Lack of sleep, yeah, his mind was playing tricks on him. He pulled the door closed, but before he could get it completely shut, he heard a voice. "What, you leave short people out in this London weather? Jesus."  
  
Remus pushed the door back open and looked down. Standing there on the front step was a fat, naked baby. The baby crossed his arms and looked up at Remus indignantly. "So you gonna let me in or what?"  
  
Bewildered, Remus pushed the door fully open, and the baby strode in. "Ooh, you got hot chocolate cooking? They say it's good for a broken heart, so you better get me some."  
  
"I don't think we have any bottles..." Remus managed to get out faintly.  
  
The baby turned on his heel and shot Remus a death glare. "A bottle? A bottle? I, my friend, am the god Eros, and I don't need any fuckin' bottle."  
  
"You're what?"  
  
Eros groaned. "I guess I gotta do this myself." He started pulling out drawers to create stairsteps to the cabinet. "Y'see, most people, when they ask the gods for help on Valentine's Eve and get a naked baby, they figure out what's going on. And honestly, I'd think a wizard would be able to get it faster than most." He walked across the counter to the stove and poured himself a mug of hot chocolate, then plopped himself on the countertop. "Though most people are still just trying to get some. I can definitely understand their plight, sure, I'm there myself right now, but I generally only worry about those who are trying to do something for someone they've already got."  
  
"So you don't run around shooting arrows at people?" Remus sat back down at the table. Stranger things had happened to him, after all.  
  
Eros sniggered. "Nahh, that's just the Victorians. They were too stuffy to show my actual work, so they just made pictures of me shooting phallic objects into people's asses. Not a bad representation, if I do say so myself."  
  
"And you don't pair people up?"  
  
"What's the fun in that? Well, really, I used to. But when I was seeing Eris a few millenia ago, she convinced me to give it up. Man, maybe I should call her up."  
  
"Hold on." Remus set his mug down. "You're telling me that the god of love doesn't have a date on Valentine's Day?"  
  
Eros sighed. "Well, that bitch Artemis dumped me yesterday. Not that I care, because she had that whole vestal virgin shit going on, and I wasn't getting any snatch, y'know? Me and Aphrodite had a good thing going this time last year, but then she did that whole goat thing with Dionysus at the company Christmas party, and that was pretty much the end of that. So yeah, I'm single right now. And pretty sick of dealing with women in general, which is why I'm here helping you poufs out."  
  
Remus decided to let that one go. "So you've got the right gift?"  
  
"Sure I do, but it's not what you'd think," Eros replied. "I'm here to turn you into a love machine."  
  
Remus nearly spit out his chocolate. "Look, yes, I may be a pouf, and you may be older than time, but you're still, you know, a baby, and--"  
  
"Are you sick? I don't take it in the ass! I'm just gonna teach by example here, okay? I'll drag you around, show you the work of some of our finest shaggers, and you're gonna take notes on techniques. Then, when your boy gives you your Valentine's day gift, you can fuck him so he can't see straight. Believe me, he'll appreciate that a hell of a lot more than anything you're gonna buy from a store."  
  
"So let me get this straight. I'm going to watch boys having sex, the best there is, and then shag the hell out of Sirius?" Remus rubbed his hands together. "When do we start?"  
  
"Right now." Eros drained his mug, set it down, and clapped his hands.  
  
The room, wherever they were, was very dark, but seemed somehow familiar. There was a fire to one side, but it was burning low. Remus could hear some male moans and groans in the dimness.  
  
"Where are we?" Remus whispered to the little shape beside him.  
  
Eros sneezed. "You can talk as loud as you want. They can't see us or hear us. And we're back in your old dormitory, which a rather enterprising pair of students you taught a couple of years ago have managed to clear out for the night. Funny, they get to teach you now."  
  
Remus's eyes were slowly adjusting to the dark. He glanced in the direction of the moans and saw that they were indeed in one of the Gryffindor dormitories. "Eros...I'm not so sure I want to see this."  
  
"Sure you do. These two are a couple of the best in the business. Too bad they're wizards, or some Internet entrepeneur would be making a bundle off of their webcam."  
  
"Some what?"  
  
"Never mind." Eros crooked his finger. "Come take a look."  
  
Remus allowed himself to look, carefully avoiding the boys' faces--they seemed to be blindfolded anyways. Eros was right. He'd never seen anything quite like it. A half-empty box of chocolates on the nightstand gave testament to exactly how long this particular activity had been going on.  
  
Just then, one of the boys spoke. "Mmm...this one's strawberry cream."  
  
"Dammit, Potter," the other boy complained. "Those are my favorites."  
  
"I'll make sure they're your favorite forever," the first boy replied, leaning up to kiss the other.  
  
Remus's face went white. "That's...that Harry and Draco...that's Sirius's godson...I should not be watching this."  
  
Eros shrugged. "Two hot young boys eating chocolates out of each other's asses, and you don't want to watch? If I was a pouf, I'd think you were nuts, but I guess we'd better move along." He clapped his hands again.  
  
This place was wholly unfamiliar to Remus, and he silently gave thanks for that. They seemed to be in a rather dank and gloomy mansion, but at the end of the long hallway they stood in was a room with light, good smells, and many voices coming from it.  
  
"Now, you're not going to get freaked out over an orgy, are you?" Eros asked. Remus shook his head. Eros smiled. "Good. I'll tell you, though, this orgy pretty much centers around one person, and he, well, he's pretty amazing." The god led the way to the room.  
  
The room was huge, filled with people in scanty clothing if any at all. There were tables piled high with food, people performing what at first seemed to be acrobatics, and a number of farm animals in pens to the side. Remus looked around, taking in the hedonism. Everything seemed to focus around a dais in the front, and too many people were crowded around it to see what was going on. Remus made his way to the front of the crowd, not knowing what to expect.  
  
It certainly hadn't been this.  
  
A man lay prone on a waterbed, his face well covered by the ass of a woman Remus recognized to be Bellatrix Lestrange. Rocking on the man's nether regions was another man that Remus recognized even more readily.  
  
The man lying down pushed Bellatrix off his face and then snarled at the other man. "Wormtail, I told you you'd better be servicing that hippogriff while I do this! I even had his balls dipped in chocolate for you!"  
  
"Yes, Master," Wormtail meekly replied as someone else led the hippogriff over.  
  
Remus turned away and saw a grinning Eros standing there. "So what d'you think?"  
  
"What do I think? I think that's Lord Voldemort! And I think he has one of my old school friends impaled on his cock!"  
  
Eros waved his hand. "No worse than what you guys did to him in school. Remember when you tricked him into turning into a rat and going into that little cage so he couldn't transform, then bending the bars so you could take turns sticking your--"  
  
"I remember! I remember! This is punishment enough, okay? Just get me out of here!"  
  
"Whatever you say," Eros replied, and clapped his hands.  
  
This was a very small room that reeked of wet dog, bad cooking, and sex. It was hard to miss exactly what was going on in the bed.  
  
"Righ' there, Sev'rus, yeah, make Daddy Hagrid proud...ooh, yeah, an' you're excellent there, Dumbledore...Where'd Fang go?"  
  
Remus screamed.  
  
"Are you okay, Moony? You were screaming." Sirius's concerned eyes looked into his. Remus sat up quickly. He was in bed, the morning sun was streaming through the windows, and here was Sirius before him. It had all been a dream. A terrible, terrible, dream. Sure, he still had no gift for Sirius, but what did it matter? He was here, and none of that had really happened. Of course not. Just a bad dream.  
  
"I'm fine, just a touch of nightmare. Anyways...er...happy Valentine's Day!"  
  
Sirius bounced off the bed. "I got you the greatest gift ever! You're gonna love this..." He reached over the side of the bed and lifted up a life-size, solid chocolate Cupid. "Happy Valentine's Day, Moony!"  
  
Remus threw up. 


End file.
